The Dark Side of Sarcasm

Communication is the hallmark of relationships. Healthy partnerships rely on direct and clear communication to instill trust, felt safety, validation, and security. I am in no way am I saying that every conversation needs to be serious, as humor can be healthy and used as a coping mechanism. What I am saying though, is that passive-aggressive communication such as sarcasm, is the complete opposite and can have serious implications on the security and strength of your relationship as well as your or your partner’s mental health.

Sarcasm according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, is a “sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain.”

On Dictionary.com, sarcasm is described as “harsh, cutting, or bitter derision, often using irony to point out the deficiencies or failings of someone or something.”

The descriptions alone suggest that this behavior can be a red flag in a relationship. If you are on the receiving end of frequent sarcasm and digs, take note! If you notice yourself feeling hurt or becoming self-conscious about what has been made fun of, it’s time for you to evaluate what is going on in your relationship and address the comments.

When people experience continuous negative, passive-aggressive, and sarcastic comments from their partner, they will likely have these questions for themselves:

‘Am I going crazy? ‘

Am I too sensitive?

Why am I taking this personally?

They are just joking. They don’t mean anything by it, right?

 As a therapist who helps clients form secure attachments, I would answer these questions with the following:

‘Am I going crazy?’                             

Nope.

‘Am I too sensitive? ‘                         

Not at all, but the person using sarcasm may defend themselves by telling you that you are.

‘Why am I taking this personally?’    

Because it is personal, and you have the right to have feelings about it.

‘They are just joking. They don’t mean anything by it, right?’

It’s not always just a joke. It is meant to hurt you, and, in some cases, it is a passive way to leverage power in the relationship and used to change the behaviors of the partner being put down. The tones in this type of communication are likely to evoke shame, guilt, and embarrassment, so if you are questioning the validity of your feelings, listen to your gut.

 There is a vast difference between hurtful sarcasm and mutual roasting that both partners choose to partake in. If this blog resonated with you, or you want help spotting red flags, reach out today!